new beginnings

Saturday, February 3, 2018

I’m in this weird in between transition phase in my life where I belong only to myself. Two weeks ago I left my job – the very first permanent position I’ve had after graduating from University and moving to Berlin. I’ve been working at this job for almost three years. When I came to Berlin I had no idea where my path would lead me.
While learning to navigate a new city and getting used to a new living situation I sent out a few applications. More or less out of obligation because I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I got an offer relatively quickly though and started at this firm a few weeks later. This was two years and eight months ago, in June 2015. Berlin still felt so unfamiliar to me. So did my role, the “not-a-student-anymore-but-a-responsible-adult-with-a-full-time-job”-role. I faked it, I think. Coming to work, making small talk, attending meetings, writing e-mails, answering the phone – having to come out of my introvert’s shell every day was challenging and exhausting. I had to train myself to do so as you would exercise a muscle. I found ways to stay true to myself, to my personality and my needs and beliefs. Due to that I oftentimes ran into walls and also upset people – but I’m glad I didn’t just fall into line when I realized I didn’t really fit the mould – I kept on doing my own thing instead of floating with the current. That can be very difficult and alienating but at the end of the day you feel much more at peace with yourself.

Although work life (with an office job especially) can be very samey every day and although the three years just flew by, I have changed so much since my first days at this job back in 2015. It’s almost like I shed my skin over the past years. Leaving this work place means I’m leaving the person I used to be back then behind—.

The people we aren‘t anymore are usually still sticking around like ghosts. They stay in close proximity to the places and situations we associate them with. I grew and changed over the past years, but despite those changes I met this former version of myself, this graduate-student-in-her-first-real-job-trying-to-be-an-adult every once in a while in that office or in the streets of the neighborhood where I went for walks during my lunch breaks.
When I move on to my new job next week I’ll leave her at these places – for good. I imagine her being kind of lost and alone without me. She’s like a snapshot of myself – unlike me, she cannot change or move on, she’s trapped. And I’m grieving her.

I think I’ve always had great difficulty looking forward even if the upcoming things were positive and joyful or promised better times. I often find myself turning back, looking over my shoulder, asking myself what‘ll happen to the loose threads that I’ve started weaving my story with and then just dropped in order to move on to something different. We leave these beginnings of unfinished stories behind every day I think – in big or small ways. We come to a point where we have to decide which thread to follow, which story to keep on spinning and which ones to abandon. I’m going to start something new very soon and I’m scared. I’m sure I will be fine – I think. I’m just so nostalgic. I get nostalgic about my teen years or my Uni days as well as about last Tuesday. I’m a mess is what I’m saying. But hey, aren’t we all.

Listen to The Other Side by Conan Gray here. šŸŽ§

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