i'm trying. (really, i am.) 🦛✨

Sunday, February 24, 2019

I try to not think of the goals I set for myself as “resolutions” – I’m not a problem, I don’t need “resolving“. I try to think of them as intentions and little tweaks that are supposed to make me feel a certain way. At ease, content, purposeful, in alignment. I don’t aspire to “be happy” – it’s not a state you can be in anyway. I don’t want to work towards being happy, I’m trying to find happiness in every situation, every day, now. »Life is so precious and it’s way too fucking short, so don’t delay the happy.«

I want to spend my time more intentional for starters. I want to put my phone down more and read a book instead. I want to be in the present moment. I want to decide when to be available for others and when I want to focus on myself and the stuff I need to get done.
I’ve been known to “power walk” back to the office after receiving an email asking me to do xyz during my lunch break. Please note: My job doesn’t involve saving lives. Far from it. Anything I could possibly be asked to do, can wait at least 8 hours, trust me. But as soon as the email was in my inbox or that message on my voicemail I could no longer relax and HAD TO GET BACK IMMEDIATELY. Sad, I know.

Although I’ve gotten better at “ignoring”, or shall I say healthily prioritizing tasks, I still slip into panicky phases where I think I have to do all the things all at once and RIGHT NOW. But it’s something you can practice and exercise like a muscle. I’ve started with “simply” sticking to tasks instead of jumping from one thing to the next just when an email or call comes in. Another thing I’ve been incorporating into my weekly routine is half a day away from my desks/screen with my phone on silent and all notifications switched off. Next level will be to switch my phone to flight mode and someday I’ll be able to leave it at home. Baby steps.

In the past couple of weeks I went out to get breakfast on said half days off and to different museums afterwards. I didn’t manage to not check my phone (emails) for the whole 4-5 hours I’d been out. In fact, one time I even started panic typing replies until I’d realized what I was doing, called myself back into the present moment and put dealing with the “problem” at hand off until later when I’d be back at my desk and laptop.

But why is this so hard, man? I feel like a trained monkey trying to defy what almost seems to be in my blood. Being available, being on and of use. I haven’t found another way to un-train myself than to just recognize when I’m acting like a robot and then try to be more conscious of what I’m doing and when. Does this need to happen right now? Or am I standing in front of a painting in the Old National Gallery that I’d much rather marvel at in this very moment and get to the other thing later, when I’m back in work mode?

Ironically enough, I resist these few hours off very much. I actually have to persuade myself to go on these outings to the point where I put it in my diary (not a digital one, but my physical Leuchtturm diary where I’d have to use tipp-ex to erase it again), and set a specific time by which I’ve to have left and be on my way to the Café/Museum. Wow, apparently it’s very hard for me to have fun. But I’m getting there. Or at least I’m trying. (Really, I am.) 🦛

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