we miss you

Thursday, October 1, 2020

I had already finished writing an update blogpost for September, and only wanted to add a little note at the end, about October being my mum’s birthday month … when I realised that I wanted this post to be just about that.

Therefore it’s a briefer one this time. Maybe I’m going to do separate posts on the things I had initially planned on putting in the September update – … we’ll see. For now, this is all I have.

I really love October. It has such a conciliatory nature.

It’s also my mum’s birthday month. She would have turned 70 on the 1st.

Twenty years ago, I can’t believe how long ago that is, we went to London for her 50th. It was our first time visiting the city and such an amazing trip. When I look at photos from us two on an open top tour bus, or in front of the theatre where we saw Starlight Express, I’m astonished at how young I was, and innocent looking. My mum as well. Not knowing yet….

My mum never changed in my eyes, she always looked like my mum. When I think of her, I still see her like that.

My mum and a group of her closest friends, former work colleagues from her time in Munich, always came together around their respective birthdays to have dinner. A few days ago, leading up to my mum’s birthday, I received a card from her best friend saying “we miss you”… and we do. We miss you. I miss your warmth and your love, every day.

Knowing that other people think of my mum and miss her too, gives me a bit of comfort.

My mum’s friend and I are exchanging letters and postcards regularly, to check in, to share memories… I once wrote her that whenever I’m in Munich, a city so familiar to me and also my mum, where we met up so many times when I was living and studying there, I sometimes think I can see her on the other side of the street… Out of the corner of my eye, just a glimpse, … and when I look more closely, she’s gone. A very weird thought maybe for people who’ve never lost someone so close to them. But you can’t believe they’re truly gone. Over two years later and I still can’t believe she’s gone.

And my mum’s friend wrote back “Yes, I see her too.”

Take good care everyone and talk soon!


  1. This made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's lovely you are able to share memories with your mum's friend - a small comfort. I know the valleys of grief too and I'm sending you a hug.


recently on instagram

© marylebow.. Design by FCD.