we miss you

Thursday, October 1, 2020

I had already finished writing an update blogpost for September, and only wanted to add a little note at the end, about October being my mum’s birthday month … when I realised that I wanted this post to be just about that.

Therefore it’s a briefer one this time. Maybe I’m going to do separate posts on the things I had initially planned on putting in the September update – … we’ll see. For now, this is all I have.

I really love October. It has such a conciliatory nature.

It’s also my mum’s birthday month. She would have turned 70 on the 1st.

Twenty years ago, I can’t believe how long ago that is, we went to London for her 50th. It was our first time visiting the city and such an amazing trip. When I look at photos from us two on an open top tour bus, or in front of the theatre where we saw Starlight Express, I’m astonished at how young I was, and innocent looking. My mum as well. Not knowing yet….

My mum never changed in my eyes, she always looked like my mum. When I think of her, I still see her like that.

My mum and a group of her closest friends, former work colleagues from her time in Munich, always came together around their respective birthdays to have dinner. A few days ago, leading up to my mum’s birthday, I received a card from her best friend saying “we miss you”… and we do. We miss you. I miss your warmth and your love, every day.

Knowing that other people think of my mum and miss her too, gives me a bit of comfort.

My mum’s friend and I are exchanging letters and postcards regularly, to check in, to share memories… I once wrote her that whenever I’m in Munich, a city so familiar to me and also my mum, where we met up so many times when I was living and studying there, I sometimes think I can see her on the other side of the street… Out of the corner of my eye, just a glimpse, … and when I look more closely, she’s gone. A very weird thought maybe for people who’ve never lost someone so close to them. But you can’t believe they’re truly gone. Over two years later and I still can’t believe she’s gone.

And my mum’s friend wrote back “Yes, I see her too.”

Take good care everyone and talk soon!

2 comments

  1. This made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's lovely you are able to share memories with your mum's friend - a small comfort. I know the valleys of grief too and I'm sending you a hug.

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